Girl-Geek Wannabe alt=am

C:>COFFEE.COM error. Contact programmer J. Valdez.

C:\COFFEE.POT missing (A)bort (R)etry (F)all asleep?

Caffeine...a BBSer's best friend!

Caffeine Allocation Error:
COFFEE.SYS missing, Programmer halted.

COFFEE.CUP empty - Operator shelled out to COFFEE.POT

COFFEE.CUP not found: (W)ash, (R)e-use, (D)rink from pot?

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

COFFEE.EXE Not Found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic?

COFFEE.POT corrupted: Found failure in module FILTER.

COFFEE.SYS Not Found: User startup disabled.

COFFEE.SYS: NMI ACTIVATED ... coffee pot empty ...
Operator asleep

GOSUB:coffee; work;RETURN:

hiGhEr bRAiN malFUnCtiON ... inSERt COFfEe.

if( pot.coffee == EMPTY ) { programmer->;brain = OFF };

Instant Programmer: Just add caffeine

Kernal PANIC: Unable to mount /dev/coffee.machine
-- Operator Halted.

New Opcode #23: CPTCB - Call Programmer and Take Coffee Break

Parity Error, System Halted,
Pots out of Coffee, Refill to restart

Reached coffee d/l limit must u/l now

RISING.SUN detected : (A)nother coffee, (C)old shower, (S)leep?

share.exe not loaded. coffee.sys not shared. Mine!!!!

Unable to locate $C0FFEE -- illegal address error

Unable to locate COFFEE.CUP - Search in progress, please wait...

We are out of Colombian coffee. Set coordinates: Sector 0-0-1.

while(!Coffee) _Panic()

A Grain of Sand

Fear is a powerful thing. It can paralyze you. It can make you feel every possible powerful negative emotion imaginable. Fear spawns hatred. The kind of hatred that makes people insanely aggressive toward things they don't understand. Fear traps you in its grip of depression and anxiety in an unending spiral. Fear keeps you from living your dreams.

I live in fear. I'm one of those people who worries constantly about my life and is so afraid of making a move that even though I might have trudged a thousand miles, I haven't really gone anywhere. It's fear that's kept me down. It's fear that's kept me living in my past. It's fear that's helped to continue the very cycle I have spent my whole life desperately hoping would end. And never did anything about. Out of fear.

Something someone said today made me think. It's not that it was anything prophetic or even profound. It was just a few simple words. Not even relevant to this writing. But it made me pause just long enough to look very hard at life itself. Not some strange metaphysical journey. Reality. And the reality was fear. Everything I've done or felt or thought about has been consumed by fear of the unknown or fear of what might happen if I actually made a choice. And the reality is, I never really made many choices. I simply let things happen. From a scientific standpoint, my life has been the epitome of chaos. Random happenings with no sense of order.

Driving clears my head. Ironically, when I need to clear my head I just randomly drive in no particular direction. Today I ended up somewhere I needed to go without realizing it until I got there. I won't tell you where I ended up. It's a very private, personal thing. The point is that it opened my mind and helped me to understand my life for what it is and what I need to do about it.

It's true that I've made some very healthy choices these last few months, but not enough of them. Just enough to get me by. But getting by is just surviving and just surviving isn't happiness. Getting by is simply staying in the same fearful comfort zone and never really going anywhere.

I'm not saying I'm going to wake up tomorrow surrounded by choirs of singing angels and a red cape with a big "S" on it. I'm still going to make some stupid mistakes. Because I'm human. But I'm going to try to really see more of what's going on around me. Because now I know the truth.

The view from the front porch

There are certain things I will not tolerate from any person who may become close to me:

-Drugs of any kind
-control freaks
-heavy drinkers
-intolerance of any kind
-closed-mindedness (if you are a Christian and still find reasons to dislike entire groups of people, yes, you are closed minded, and no, that's NOT Christian. Read.)
-insensitivity/callousness
-anyone just out for a "free ride"... And that includes those thinking they're getting some. You're not.
-phony personalities

So here's my question:

Why is it that most people seem to find many, if not all, of the items on this list attractive in themselves?

There are a thousand justifications, and I've heard them all. Frankly, I simply don't care. We are all here for a very short time and we're all in this together. There's absolutely no point in trying to be someone you're not or trying to drown your miseries in some other ridiculous manner.

I don't always like where I am in life. Most people have been into an unhealthy or otherwise bad situation at some point or another. Life is all about the ups and downs. But I though I've done some stupid things in the past and made my share of mistakes, I like who I am deep down. I know I'm honest and I know I'm true to myself and those close to me.

People have this weird intense fear of each other and seem to feel a need to project someone else entirely to the rest of the world. Maybe that's why the whole corporate thing is so unattractive to me. It's like a breeding ground for facades. The higher you want to get, the more people you need to fool. Regardless of the amount of money involved, how is that indicative of true happiness?

I live in a rented duplex. It's large for my purposes. We have trees around our house and a little market across the street in our quiet neighborhood of very old homes in a mid-size city. We have lots of clutter, and though none of it has any cash value, we value what we have. It's not the dream I have for the future, but it's good enough for now.

My dream is that one day I'll write and maybe work in a small office. We'll live in an old, drafty farmhouse in the country with a barn just for playing in. We'll have a big yard and lots of trees, with a tire swing hanging from the biggest and strongest one. Maybe I'll get married again. We'll sit on the back porch swing drinking iced tea or lemonade and watch the kids playing outside as the day settles into dusk. I'm a very simple person. And that's simply all I want out of life.

Angels And Devils

This was SUPPOSED to be posted yesterday, but half the damn planet had Blogger problems, so just read it now and quitcherbitchen.


Regardless of my physical woes, I have been incredibly busy lately. Lots of appointments and phone calls, etc.

The principal of my daughter's school had contacted social services about some of their "issues" with me. The latest is that I'm not feeding my daughter breakfast. Funny thing is, the worker stood up for me. Take THAT you butt-head bureaucrats!

Now, they DID contact me first this time, mind you. Oh, yes. The teacher sent a note home: "[Your daughter] arrived having not eaten breakfast at home or here at [school]. She was given school breakfast at 8:30." Not a question. No. This was a clear assumption that they were right. Not a thing to do when I'm in pain and feeling quite bitchy. Here's my response:

"[My daughter] DID eat at home. She had cereal. She also ate at home TODAY. Please contact ME with questions about [my daughter] BEFORE making assumptions such as that she might not have eaten. Thank you."

I got another note today: [Your daughter] had a very cooperative day." Hmm... Think I got the point across? Yes, yes I think I did, thankyouverymuch.

Then while checking my email, I got a note from an incredibly sweet person who'd sent me some help through Paypal. Which for various reasons I was not able to accept, no matter how badly I wanted and needed to. They needed a bank account, and I haven't had one in three years. Minimum balance? Heck, if I HAD the 5 bucks to put in there, I'd end up needing it for gas or diapers or something. I'll try to open one next week, if the child support gods are feeling generous. It was a really nice thought, though. Thank you over and over for it.

Our first stop was to take my youngest (one-and-a-half) in for her shots. This is never a fun experience. Now take that already crummy situation and multiply it by one three-year-old Tazmanian Devil who just won't quit. While I was hugging the baby and holding her arms as she screamed pathetically (and trying not to sob myself), HE was using the examination table as a diving board to jump down onto the chairs next to it and trying desperately to open every cabinet and disconnect the computer (which they thankfully have behind plexiglass doors with "invisible" child locks). *Sigh*

Next on the agenda was to pick up my kindergartener and go to my worker's office to fill out some paperwork for my daughter (the kindergartener). Now THIS was an interesting experience. This time, the ornery little bugger I call Gus-Gus (he's got a weird little giggle that sounds like the mouse on the Disney movie "Cinderella") decided to try to pull the fire alarm, kept pushing the auto-open button for the doors and dove from chair to chair until I finally held him in my lap wrapped in one arm and one leg while I wrote out the paperwork with the other arm. Did that stop him? Nope. Not even close. He still managed to grab the ceramic lamp on the end table I was sitting next to and yank it to the floor, where it promptly smashed - in half. By this time, I really wanted to duct-tape him. Unfortunately, I have been informed that's illegal. Darnit.

Now we had to go to the gas station. For this, I get to leave them in the car for 3 minutes of peace while I pumped the $5 dollars in gas (with the gift card I got from the workers because my ex lost his job and isn't paying support) and went in to pay. Relatively mundane and uneventful, right? Well you'd think so, but....

Ever had one of those friends that was so great you felt separated at birth? So did I. And this one was truly a great friend. Except she had (has?) a boyfriend who (I thought) treats her like crap, but mostly behind her back. At one point, another friend of mine had been on a job with him and actually heard him saying he wanted to screw some other girl. When this guy asked the boyfriend about his sweet girlfriend, the guy made a crappy off-hand comment about her and nonchalantly dismissed it. Nice.

A few years ago we had a fight and haven't spoken since. I had seen her boyfriend being a jerk (I won't go into the details, but it's pretty bad) and called her. This was one of those situations that I knew she might get mad at me, but damnit, I thought she needed to know. Little did I know, but he was right there next to her when I called. And neither of us have seen or spoken to each other again. Politics like that suck. But I've missed her ever since.

Well, when I went into the gas station, guess who was working there? Give up? It was her. We went back and forth a little about what happened, and I told her "I want you to know that regardless of what you think of me or what happened, you were one of the best friends I ever had and I still love you." She simply replied, "Okay. Bye." It hurt, but at least I got what I needed to say off my chest.

Ever had one of those decades?

One a better note, the utility company called to make payment arrangements and I explained the church and county resources I'd been in contact with and my plan of action. This lady was SO unbelievably cool. She actually commended me for being on top of things and wished me luck! WOW.

Thanks for praying, I know it's helping somehow.

Update: My old friend somehow found my number and we talked a long time last night. I really need to get this butting-in thing out of my system so I don't lose any more good friends....