All you need is love... (and possibly a lot of 'splainin' to do, Lucy)

I am enraptured. Yet I'm feeling a bit selfish - and quite guilty for it, I admit.

Enraptured because I have met and begun to fall for someone incredibly sweet, intelligent, talented, loving, fun and compassionate. A man whose entire being is everything I could ever have hoped to find and share myself with. As if his personality isn't enough, there is also the added bonus that we share almost everything in common: We are both INFP personalities, have the same tastes in everything from music to movies (even the obscure), everything from the trivial to the substantial. He is incredible. I would never in a thousand years have expected to meet someone with every single quality he has. And I am crazy about him. Which makes me feel so incredibly selfish.

Why selfish? Precisely because of all the qualities he has. He could do so much better than me, a woman eight years his senior, divorced (and we won't even go into the endless slew of idiocy in the rest of my relationships) with five children and a wretched, tortured past. My childhood, regardless of my choice in the matter, is in itself completely paradoxical to his own well-bred and cultured upbringing . Add to that the foolish and irresponsible choices I have had a tendency to make in my adult life, and the idea I could possibly end up with someone like him becomes entirely preposterous.

And I feel guilty. What could I possibly bring to his life? Do I have achievable goals? Absolutely! There is so much I aspire to do, so many plans for my future, and I have no doubt whatsoever that I will accomplish them all and improve on my past and my own mistakes by leaps and bounds. I refuse to be complacent or to allow myself or my children to stagnate, though it might be easy enough to continue on in that same pattern - and most often statistically does.

Don't get me wrong: I'm certainly not wallowing. I simply feel the need to constantly provide explanations for myself. I suppose, in a way, that only makes it worse. It's the idea of meeting his friends and family that is the most distressing.

If my son, my baby, came home to me and said he'd met this great person, someone he wanted to build a life with, i would be happy for him, but a little afraid of the possibility of his heart being broken. But if he then went on to tell me that she was older and divorced with children I would probably (and most likely not secretly) be praying for the relationship to end - and soon, regardless of her nature or aspirations. I would see a woman looking for a "meal ticket". Sounds a tad harsh? I'll bet if you thought of it a bit more close to home, putting yourself in those shoes, you'd likely feel quite the same.

I've talked to him about this. I even told him that he's insane for wanting me in his life. As much as I don't want to hold him back, as fiercely independent as I am, as clearly as I can see a perfect and beautiful future with this man, how can we possibly know if my mere existence in his life would be detrimental to what he could accomplish otherwise? He insists and is convinced I am "the one". And I am terrified.

I haven't yet met his friends (most of them live away from here, and we've mainly just spent all of our time together), but I met his brother today, the first of his family I've had even incidental contact with. He was very nice, and very much like Michael, but understandably apprehensive about my relationship with his younger brother. And once again, I found myself trying to explain myself away, feeling that irrepressible need to somehow prove my own worthiness to be involved with such a beautiful man.

Honestly, I don't know what I should do. I know that I want so badly to be with Michael for as long as fate allows. I know that there is little chance I would ever find anyone else who could measure to half what he is. I also know, however, that he could easily meet someone with twice the good qualities in me, and without all the excess baggage. And oh, how selfish that makes me.

But I am crazy about him.

God or Science: An Intellectual Discussion Of The Age-Old Question

Ok, I know, I know.... MySpace is the eternal hell of the internet teeny-bopper meat-market frenzy. Yeah, and many of you net-whores have a page there, so get over it. It's like the mall: Everyone complains about commercialism but goes there anyway, because that's where everyone else goes.

Anyway, a friend of my boyfriend, Michael , wrote this great piece and I thought I'd share this little morsel of intellectualism with the rest of you:

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Hollywood's Kid A
Date: Dec 17 2006 4:15 PM


Do I believe in God?? Do I believe in Science??

I warn you this is long, but let me know what you think. I am open to all questions good or bad. I know I joke most of the time but this is not a joke.

Someone asked me recently if its hard to be a scientist and believe in God.

I have NO DOUBT THERE IS A GOD ...

So I wanted to share my answer with others.

Professors laughed and threw evolution in my face, I doubted at times myself.

"How can God exist without proof?" they ask...

But the proof is there you just have to see it.

My answer is:

My faith in God is science law based.


The Laws of Thermodynamics State (in brief):
1. Matter can not be created nor destroyed but can change forms.
2. "In all energy exchanges, if no energy enters or leaves the system, the potential energy of the state will always be less than that of the initial state."

Law two is commonly referred to as the law of entropy.
Entropy is a measure of disorder.

Everything we know in the universe as we know it follows these rules. Even at the atomic level. From an exploding stick of TNT to throwing a deck a cards in the air, to displacement of water and air molecules. Nature follows these rules. NOTHING ORGANIZES ITSELF. (look at your laundry and your sock drawer, have they ever randomly separated by chance when you take them to or from the dryer?)also no stars or trees geometrically line themselves up .

So, nature follows these rules.

This brings me to evolution.

Evolution-is defined as the process of continuous change from a lower, simpler, or worse to a higher, more complex, or better state.

I do believe in evolution, but it only helps to prove my point.


That if nature favors disorder and chaos, what is this force that drives the organization of cells to become small organisms then to become more complex organisms, form tissues, organs, organ systems to become more complex beings such as plants, animals and humans? Why didn't things just stay like they were, random bits of matter floating round?


Furthermore lets break that down.

Biologist have the Cell Theory.

Part of the cell theory states that ALL CELLS come from PRE-EXISTING CELLS, meaning CELLS arent randomly generated from any random matter.

So let me just clarify a few points before moving forward:

1. If matter cannot be created nor destroyed, where did this universe originate? Big Bang, you say? Well that takes matter. To say the Earth and Universe originated from nothing would defy Thermodynamics law #1

2. Cells arise from pre-existing cells, where did the first cell come from?

3. Evolution is a organization process that defies the second law of thermodynamics.

Alright...Maybe, I've lost everyone but..

Let's pull this together.

Genesis 2:7 (don't quit just yet... Please)

"God formed man from clay of the earth and breathed life into his nostrils and the man became living"

In 1953 two scientist Miller and Urey wanted to know exactly what kind of environment would be needed for life to begin.

It is thought that the Earth billions of years ago was made up of a boiling turbulent environment and a few primative gases methane (CH4), ammonia (NH3), hydrogen (H2), and water (H2O). These gases, lots of lightning, boiling water and clay made up the primative Earth.

So Miller and Urey designed an expirement. In a closed environment, with these gases, and lots of electricity and let it run continunally. After one week they found that 10-15% of the carbon had formed organic compounds and 2% had formed amino acids. Amino Acids are the the building blocks for proteins and proteins are the building blocks of cells.

Wait theres a little more:

In 1961, Juan Oro found that amino acids could be made from hydrogen cyanide (HCN) and ammonia in an aqueous solution. He also found that his experiment produced an amazing amount of the nucleotide base, adenine. Adenine is of tremendous biological significance as an organic compound because it is one of the four bases in RNA and DNA.

So there you have it. The building blocks of life layed out before you. DNA ....

To get to this point A LOT has to happen by chance!

And I firmly believe none of this happened by "chance".

To defy even the ONE previously mentioned laws does NOT happen by chance, let alone THREE.

Lastly the simple separation between man and the next intelligent animal suggest that there was a separation in development. but I'll leave that alone for now.

Gensis 3:4-5
"You certainly won't die!" the serpent told the woman. "God knows that when you eat your eyes will be opened. You'll be like God, knowing good and evil."

I believe science is still primative to our understanding of the truth, what we have now is simply an explanation. The problem with humans is we think we already know everything, when in fact 10 years from now, we will see how much more there was to learn.

I have many more reasons. These are my main reason I believe there is a God.

Maybe you don't believe in God or Science. But I believe the greatest lie the devil ever told was to convince man that He did not exist.

Many go on with their lives as if nothing matters, living for themselves and failing to see the bigger picture at work.

Genesis I:1-2
"In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earths.
The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep water. The spirit of God was hovering over the water."

This is my Christmas to MySpace.

The way the world works... and it ain't pretty, folks.

I work two jobs. During the week I'm transporting medical patients. On the weekends I work double shifts as a waitress at a local steakhouse. With a department store across the street, none of the other waitresses and I have thought twice about stopping there at the end of an evening shift to shop. We've still got our aprons on, a wallet full of one dollar bills, grabbing whatever neccessities we happen to need on any given night. It's just the normal, mundane daily post-work stuff.

We're all thinking twice now. Especially after dark and alone. Last night a gilr from work was attacked. Granted, she wasn't stopping at a store for anything. Her car had stalled, possibly out of gas. Someone stopped, and I imagine her first thought to be they were going to offer assisstance. Instead they beat her, stabbed her multiple times and stole her money. The good news is she survived. She even was able to run to several houses, pounding on the doors and begging for help. Nobody would open the door.

I remember a time when I was about 19 and living on my own. A girl I'd met stopped by and said she was depressed. She said her grandmother had died and she needed company. She asked if I would come over. I had no car, but she said there were a couple of male friends who were giving her a ride. I agreed, wanting to help a friend in need. We didn't go to her house. They took me to the apartment of one of the friends. She'd said she had to talk with one of them, and they went into another room.

I sat with this strange man in the livingroom, not quite knowing what to say. In a little while, when my friend and the second man came out of the room, it struck me that something was very wrong when she showed me the bruises on her arm. It looked as though someone had taken a mallet to her arm between the wrist and the elbow. They then began to laugh and talk about "doing acid with eye droppers". I, not having ever been exposed to drugs of any kind, became quite nervous and began to try to think of ways out of this situation. I was in a strange neighborhood and had no idea how to get back to my apartment.

My friend then took the man who had been sitting near me into the other room, while the one who had just come out sat next to me on the sofa. By this time, I was already scared. I began to panic when the man next to me started comeing on to me. I started to make excuses and stood up, saying I really had to get home. He got angry and pinned me against the wall and said, "You're not going anywhere!" I started to speak in a louder voice, hoping my friend would hear (or anyone else, for that matter) and again begged for him to let me go home.

My friend had come into the room and said. "We should just let her go, she won't say anything, she didn't even see anything." He let go of me and turned in her direction: "I'm not letting her go, she'll say something and I f___ing well know it." was the gruff, angry reply. I knew it was time to get out fast. This had been a horrible mistake. Whatever it was they were doing probably wasn't legal, and I knew I might not make it out unscathed. I made a run for the door and out into the street.

I had no idea where I was, but the three from the apartment were close behind. I ran across the street to some houses and began banging as hard as I could on a door. Nobody answered. I ran on to the next and the next, until finally a man said he wouldn't open the door, but he would call a police officer for me. I was terrified to stand out there on the porch of this home while the three who were following me were driving up and down the street looking for me.

I got out of that situation without further incident, but I was lucky. It was not so for my fellow co-worker. She escaped with her life, but will be physically and emotionally scarred for the rest of it, I'm certain.

It's not bad enough there are people in the world who would do such a thing to another human being. What infuriates me as well is the "let's not get involved" attitude taken on by so many people. It happens in the big city all the time: Someone gets mugged and everyone around them goes on about their business. This is a small-town area, and neighborly help goes right out the window when a bloody, beaten young woman is begging for help.

I despise this group of people, these selfish asses without brains enough to realize a woman could have died on their doorstep. I see these unsamaritans and nearly as bad as the attacker. They, too, endangered her life when they refused to call for help, or to even acknowledge her presence.

How many other victims have been ignored, have died or been even further mutilated because some moron couldn't bring himself to do the right thing? What if it had been them, standing outside in the freezing cold, bloody and broken?

Wake up, people! Grow some balls and get involved!

Ode to the disillusioned

I am a single mom and receive no child support (yes it's being followed up on, but it's not an easy nor quick process), working two jobs to support us and build a new life. I drive a 15-year-old car (but it's a good one, regardless), have only a few debts (not nearly as many as most), and don't care for the more common social activities such as bars, etc.

Unfortunately, many men seem to be of the opinion that I should have founded my own Fortune 500 company and earning a six-figure income by now. It might happen to some, but my focus is inclined toward my children at this point, not on an MBA.

The bottom line is this: A good person of either gender is one who is always sincere (never phony or always saying the things they expect everyone else wants to hear - there's virtue in blatant honesty, people) as well as honest, devoted, respectful and faithful.

The only true unconditional love is that of God for all of us. Parents mess up, partners mess up, friends mess up, we all mess up. It's the way of human nature: we're all doomed to fail miserably at some point or another.

I think the biggest problems in failed relationships are these:

a) one or both of the parties is trying so hard to be "perfect" that they fail to be who they truly are

b) one or both of the parties expects the other to be perfect.

Never try to be something you are not. Nobody is capable of successfully becoming something that God did not create them to be. It doesn't matter how good an actor you are, or how many people you have fooled for however long. It all comes out in the wash.

If you're too ashamed of who you are to show your true nature to anyone else, it's time to remove yourself from the proverbial "market" and work on you before attempting to be with anyone else.