Sunday, January 09, 2005

The age of innocence

My daughter and I made an agreement today: She'll try to pick up after herself more, use "good listening" and be nicer to her little brother and sister. I'll try to give her more attention, scold her less and listen to her more.

She's become so independent as a grade-schooler. It's been difficult for me to adjust to her changing moods and personality. It's frustrating that she's not my clingy little baby anymore. My sweet, tiny angel is now developing into an opinionated, spirited young lady. It doesn't help when the element of drama queen is added, either.

I call her Twiddlebug, after the antennaed little creatures in Ernie's window box in Sesame Street. She loves the name. She's also known as my mini-twin. Not just in looks, but in personality as well. Maybe that's why there's so much conflict between us. We're both stubborn. We're both a little on the moody side. We're both picky about how we like things done.

She's a beautiful, smart little girl. She loves to dance and sing. She's sparkly and sweet. She speaks her mind and is very matter-of-fact. She's a little bit girlie and a whole lot of tomboy. She loves good books and bubble baths and her Madeline dolls, and she's really into wrestling with her older brothers and playing their video games with them.

It's not her fault that she has trouble expressing herself. She wasn't always so quick to temper. But my little girl has another similarity to me: She was molested as a toddler. I know the changes it created in me, and it tears at my heart to see it happen to her.

There is a dark side that comes into being when a child is abused. The biggest part of it is anger. Outright fury and rage. And then there's the diminished trust and the deep-rooted sadness at the loss of an irreplaceable part of childhood. There's fear: Fear of the dark, fear of the unknown, fear of the people around you, fear of being misunderstood.

My daughter is also very introspective - like me. She isn't always able to express her feelings well, so instead she holds them in and acts out or locks herself away inside. That's the part I want to work on the most. For both of us. I want my innocent angel back.


Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I let you down
don't you know I tried so hard
to love you in my way
it's easy let it go...


'cause there's no one left to finger
there's no one here to blame
there's no one left to talk to honey
and there ain't no one to buy our innocence
'cause we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it's easy, we all falter
does it matter?


I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
and show you all the beauty you possess
if you'd only let yourself believe that
we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it's easy, we all falter, does it matter?
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
'cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still
it's easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?

(s. mclachlan)


Tuna_can28 said...

by far my favorite SM song but I cant figure out why she named her daughter Adia

chanemza said...

Her daughter's name is India. Not Adia. The song was written well before she bore a child.