Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Something's Kinda Stinky 'Round Here...

When it comes to naivete and looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, honey, I've got that market cornered in a BIG way. You give me some pretty words and a little hint here and there that you care, and I'm all over it like flies on... well, you get the idea.

The funny thing is that I really am a fairly decent judge of character - just not (at all) when it comes to my own relationships. Oh, no... Not one lil' teensy bit. They should have co-dependent halfway houses for people like me, where all the residents fret and worry about having to live alone and how to "fix" one another - and the rest of the world, for that matter.

One valuable lesson I've learned, however, is that it is absolutely true: when your instincts tell you your significant other is cheating, they probably are. In this case, he definitely was. In a BIG way. And even worse.

You know how you get those little hints, like the constant texting, the ignored phone calls, the fact that he NEVER lets you see his phone, or has to erase everything on his laptop before he lets you near it, and on and on and on...? Well I had all of those and way more. So after the big "incident," because of which he is no longer a part of our household, I did some digging. BOY did I find more than I bargained for. It went far beyond anything I could have imagined, or anything I'd ever experienced. What I didn't bargain for was that I would feel dirty and disgusting because of his actions. I felt tainted, as though I was branded with a scarlet letter.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm faultless or sparkling snowy white. That would just be silly. I am mouthy and moody and I worry myself and everyone else around me into utter insanity. I am opinionated and stubborn. I will say it like it is (and I can back up ANYTHING I say). But I will tell you now, without hesitation, that NONE of those things makes it okay to lie, cheat, or physically hurt another person. There is simply no excuse for that behavior, under any circumstances. You can argue with me all you want on that point, but that'll only bring out that stubborn side I warned you about. Trust me, there's no point going to all that trouble. My mind won't change.

The thing that really irks me in this whole situation, is that the hurtful person gets a judicial slap on the hand and parental pampering, while we on the receiving end of the ordeal are left teetering on the edge of financial ruin.

Of course, I shouldn't have left so much of that responsibility on someone else's shoulders, right? The thing of it is, I didn't. I've had a little money coming in (actually, for most of the time we were together, I brought in about the exact same amount as he did) that was paying for about half the finances, and then my taxes, which were gone in about a month taking care of even more than half the bills. (Yes, I can back that up, too.) I was told that working and school and kids were not an option, and that I should just concentrate on classes. I still looked for work, though, because I'm stubborn.

This event was pretty recent, and still very much a fresh bruise on my psyche, but I'm in a much better emotional and mental place now than I was a couple of weeks ago. The hardest thing to bounce back from will be the anger of being used and duped for so ridiculously long by someone I thought I loved so much, but really didn't know at all. The pain of loss... well... that's pretty much almost gone. I say almost only because I occasionally mourn what I thought I shared with another human being, but never really did. (And I'm still internally debating if he qualifies as a human being. Yes, yes, I know, forgive and let God take care of it. I'm still having some major issues with that part, ok? I'm working on it.)

The mixed reactions of the bystanders in and around the blast zone never cease to amaze me. No matter how crazy the offense, there always seems to be a 50/50 split: One side is supportive of me, and the other side wonders what I did to deserve it (and surely there was something, I MUST have driven him to it, right?).

Give me a break, people. I swear, I am astounded at the sheer number of people who are more naive and co-dependent than even me! But sweat it, I will not. See, the truth always wins in the end.

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