Becoming the Rib

As I was on my way home from work and the grocery store today, I heard an amazing interview on the radio.  The show was on the Q90fm (90.1 in Appleton/Green Bay) Naomi's Table show.  It truly inspired me to stop and think about how we as women view men and relationships.  It also validated a conversation I had yesterday with another truly amazing and strong woman who has helped me immensely, whether she is aware of it or not.

I am a strong woman.  I have the tendency to crumble under high amounts of stress, which leads to panic attacks and sometimes even tears, but I am highly independent.  Throughout my relationships, one theme has resurfaced over and over again:  I hate relinquishing control over myself and my home.  I would very much prefer to do everything myself.  Men have a strong desire - no, need - to be providers and protectors within their families and relationships.  They want to fix everything.  Men need to know their purpose as a strong, solid rock within a relationship.  It's a woman's role to nurture and protect this within him.

Biblically, a woman is to be submissive. I'm not talking about cowering in the corner and obeying his every command.  For a very long time, that's exactly how I saw that Biblical view.  Part of it has been my own personal experiences, but there is a big difference between survivor and victim.  I took the definition of survivor to an extreme.  It was the means to my survival to be so strong and in control of everything.  

It was a good thing to take these last two years off and remain intentionally single.  It was good for my heart, for my mind, and for my own healing.  It has been good for my children, they've needed this time.  I needed to be in control and strong to defeat the doormat syndrome I'd held for far too long.  It has been a means of finding my heart, healing the scars, and moving on to a healthier, more stable life.  I have chased dreams and accomplished goals I never thought I'd actually achieve.  Though I still have far to go, I feel successful.

There is a time for everything, though, and the time has come for me to relinquish at least some of that control.  I will always be independent and strong.  I will always have my sense of self.  It's simply time to be womanly again - and I now understand that to be womanly does not mean being weak.

The interview on the radio show today was about the relationships between men and women.  One of the points that really hit home was about woman coming from man's rib.  Not from the head, to lord over him, not from his foot to be walked on.  From his rib.  Why the rib?  The rib is a strong, but flexible bone.  The rib's function is to protect the heart and lungs. 
So how does this correlate to our relationships as women?

It is a woman's job to protect a man's heart.  I'm not just talking about the wishy-washy function of the emotional heart.  The physical heart pumps blood, which is one of the basic essentials for human life.  The stronger our blood, the stronger we function.  We strengthen our relationships with our womanly capacity to nurture.  A woman's strengths lie in compassion and understanding.  We're sensitive to everything around us, to the emotions of others, as well as our own.  We need to be in touch with those abilities, and to work with them to nurture our relationships.  

The ribs also protect the lungs.  Our lungs re-oxygenate our blood.  We breathe in cleaner air, and exhale what isn't useful.  Woman, with her capacity for compassionate understanding,  have the ability to be the voice of reason.  Men are typically action-oriented. They fix things.  Women who take control are also taking away some of that vitality from a man, by not allowing them to function fully in their roles as protectors and managers in relationships and in life in general.

The woman being interviewed (I wish I would have heard the beginning, or at least a name, so I could give her proper credit) spoke of relationships as a garden.  Gardeners know to prune unwieldy, wildly-growing plants.  The parts that are pruned are called "suckers" - literally sucking the life out of the rest of the plant.  We need to prune ourselves, as well.  We need to remove some of those untamed parts of us which keep us from growing stronger and more beautiful.  Pruning isn't always pretty.  We're sometimes left barren, feeling ugly and raw.  That's exactly where we need to be.  We need to cut off all that excess and return to the person we're intended to be.  We need to grow from those unruly life-suckers and become stronger, more full and well-developed human beings.

Over the past month, that's exactly where I've been.  I've been pruning.  It's sometimes been ugly, and sometimes very raw.  It's also been a beautiful growing and learning experience.  It's been about finding myself, truly and meaningfully, and growing into someone better and more fully developed.


view blog reactions | tags: life

Gracie's Words of Wisdom

Last night my children and I watched The Nativity Story, a beautifully done movie depicting the events leading up to the birth of Christ. The idea was to give them a better understanding and almost first-hand view of why we celebrate Christmas and the importance of God in our lives.

There was one part that was difficult for us all to watch (though there was no graphic violence shown), the part of the story about King Herod's murder of all male children under the age of two. Herod had ordered this because prophets had described the coming of a new king, and because of his fear of being overthrown. My seven-year-old daughter Grace (whom was called on occasion "The Little Prophet" by a couple of members of our church in Indianapolis for her comments on various biblical subjects) had much to say after the movie:

"People should be loved and cared for, and babies should be loved very much. People should not be hated. They have to be loved very much. We have to love each other, not be mean to each other. They have to be respectful and very nice to people, and especially God. They need to love the children."

For those who don't know Gracie's history, she is a miracle child in every sense of the word. Doctors told me to abort her, that because of medication they'd prescribed during my first trimester carrying her, she would likely not make it through the pregnancy. Even if she did actually make it to birth, they said, she would have severe deformities at the very least. I was told she would have poor quality of life, and that I would have a special needs child. They told me the chances of her being "normal" were slim to none.

I prayed. One night her name popped into my head, along with the quiet assurance, "She is a girl, and her name is Grace." Even though the baby's gender had not yet been determined, I knew with all my heart that my baby girl would be fine. Doctors wanted a large number of tests done, but I denied them to do anything invasive. Even though several ultrasounds found nothing wrong physically, they said that breathing problems and cognitive deformities were impossible to avoid - but I was having a girl.

I went into labor at five months along and was placed on medication to stop contractions and steroids to help develop her tiny lungs. I was again told there was little likelihood of her survival. Grace held on and remained strong.

Three-and-a-half weeks before my due date, Grace decided she was ready. With a room full of NICU staff and lots of equipment, doctors told me to prepare for the worst. They told me to be prepared, because she would have to be placed on a respirator. They said she would be in the NICU for at least two weeks and my contact with her would be limited until she developed enough to breathe on her own.

On on June 12, 2003, Grace Kaye Elise (meaning "grace sweet and pure") was born perfect and healthy. Her APGAR scores were all nines and tens, she squawked just enough to let them know she was alive, and she nursed immediately. Grace rarely cried and was a happy, inquisitive and very intelligent baby. At all of her appointments with the pediatrician, she continually shocked them with her progress and verbal skills.

Gracie is a brilliant, strong-willed, confident little girl with a beautiful voice, and who has memorized and sings everything from Mozart and Beethoven to Taylor Swift and Colbie Callait. She wants to be a ballerina and singer, and maybe a doctor, too. She is full of wisdom and compassion.

 


view blog reactions | tags: Grace

You are made for so much more than all of this

It's funny, the chain of events and people who lead us to the changes in life, both good and bad, which bring us lessons and ultimately new-found strength and renewal. We face adversity, reach a state of hopelessness and feelings of loss and teeter on that dangerous knife's edge, upon which we must decide whether to dissolve ourselves into the chaotic abyss of despair, or to fall into faith, hope and overcoming fear.

It may seem odd that regaining hope and faith are the more difficult option, but in reality it takes great strength to let go of the past and allow faith to replace worry and fear. Being weak, allowing chaos to take over - that's easy. You don't have to work at being afraid. You just allow it to come in and take over your life. Fighting fear takes energy and stamina, two things that depression and pain drain you of.

God brings things into our life with a purpose and the intent of helping us to combat all of this. People and events are brought into our lives for a reason. Nothing is by chance, but it's up to us to choose the paths of our own lives. Our choice in paths can make our life journey very smooth and easy or very, very difficult. Not everything is a choice on our own parts, but everything does happen for a reason: birth, death, love, loss, joy, hardship, knowledge, pain.

My beginnings obviously weren't my own choice. I hadn't chosen to be abused or neglected, and ultimately rejected by my own family. Those experiences, however, have given me a compassion and understanding I would not have had without them. Though I have long recognized these hardships as learning experiences, I have also wallowed for much of my life in the pain they caused. I have made unsound choices which only resulted in further torment and hardship in my life.

I have spent the majority of my life fighting. I've fought not just those who've hurt me, but because I was so used to having to fight for love and respect, I've also fought those who've loved me. I've fought for love, for respect, for my own dignity. In my quest to fight for the help and understanding I sought for so long, I ended up fighting those who truly wanted to help me. I've fought my friends and mentors, and even myself.

When I wasn't fighting I was hiding myself away. My typical reaction to stress is to hermit myself away, hide from the harshness of the world and lock myself in my own little bubble. Me against the world - and life. When you've lived in fear and pain, you haven't really lived at all.

When you feel worthless and you're used to fighting, you tend to take on ventures that give you a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Something that tells the world you've been here, done something worth doing. In my case, it is Soldiers' Angels. If I've never had anything to offer, anything worth giving, then at least compassionate philanthropy is something I do have to give. When you know pain and loss and hardship, you can better relate to those who endure it, even if it's of a different category than your own.

Through the volunteer work with this organization, I met Shelle, a very strong and no-nonsense woman who has in turn introduced me to many more strong and beautiful women who have also persevered through hardship, each journeying through pain and loss into their own forms of healing and rebirth. One of these women is Jodi Rae, a sweet, loving, kind and compassionate woman who has no doubt endured considerable tribulation herself.

Jodi Rae authored a book, The Blonde On The Prairie, detailing her journey to overcome those trials and rise above them. Over a lunch with Logan, a dear friend in his own right, Jodi Rae signed a copy of her book which Logan then sent on to me. Even from the very first page, I knew they'd both seen straight through to my heart at a critical time when I had nearly begun to slip back into that abyss.

"It took great and powerful adversity for me to end up broken and discouraged, feeling un-loved and not worthy. That same adversity forced a mighty resilience in me to fight back and go on living.

When I began to live, I began to know love. Love yielded laughter. Laughter exploded into healing."

- From The Blonde On The Prairie, by Jodi Rae Ingstad

Jodi Rae, I believe that Shelle instinctively knew somehow that you and all of those other strong and beautiful women would hold the keys to bringing back the me that adversity tried so hard to destroy. Thank you for sharing your joy with me when I needed it most. I'm going to try leaving my barn door open, and let the joy come back in.


Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him. - James 1:12

view blog reactions | tags: life

For My Mother

I love my mom. As crazy as my family is and as much energy as I've spent trying to extricate myself from the madness of my past, my mother is still very important to me.

In the past I've written about some less-than-palatable times we've had. Yes, there were many. We've fought, we've turned our backs on each other for years at a time... and sometimes worse. Though our childhood was volatile and many times chaotic, with Mother's Day coming up this weekend I wanted to share more of her "whole person" with you.

My mother is beautiful. Large, brown doe-eyes and brown hair and with olive colored skin. Many people have said we look very much alike in features, except that I am more of a photo-negative of her coloring. She is young, but looks far younger than her years.

My mother instilled in me my love of crafting. Growing up, my mother was always creating things. She sewed clothing, quilts, even playthings and costumes for us. We were Raggedy Ann and Andy, Smurfs and many other characters. She made us incredibly beautiful Easter dresses and detailed embroidered baby quilts. She macraméd everything from wall-hangings to doll swings, and back in the 1970s we made flower arrangements from fake fur and floral wire.

My mother put her all into creatively embellishing everything she had a hand in. I remember one winter we were building a snow-person family, when one snow-man's head rolled off and got stuck between two of the snow men's bodies. We tried to pull it out, but they'd become frozen together. My ever-resourceful mom took advantage of this and disappeared into the house, returning with bottlecaps, a scarf and a jump rope. Our family of snowmen was quickly transformed into a snow horse, complete with reigns, harness and saddle. We kids took turns sitting on our horse while mom took pictures.

For my brother's baby quilt, my mother embroidered (before technology like an embroidery machine) a large diesel truck with all our nicknames onto it. She then made matching baby blocks for it in coordinating fabric. It was an amazing sight and looking back, it's amazing to think of the work and detail she put into it.

My mother and I are much alike in other ways, as well. We're both professional worriers, both have a tendency to panic (initially) in the face of adversity, and both turn into bulldogs to face that adversity down once we've gotten our bearings and taken hold of the situation. We've been through the same things, gotten ourselves into the same situations and struggled with the same issues. We've both had more than our share of bad times, both been "gluttons for punishment" and both punished ourselves for far too long for our mistakes. I've spent a lifetime being angry and focusing on the hurt. It was infuriating to me that she'd seemingly allowed so much to happen to her, and to us. Being the oldest of her four children only exacerbated my frustration. I wanted to fix it for her, to stand up for her, and stand up to her. I grew up resenting her for those mistakes, but having gone through many of them (and more) as an adult, I've realized her position - and that's it's not always as easy to "fix" as it might seem.

I've also realized that most other families (if not all) have their own skeletons. Our family is not perfect, and not at all close to one another. Most of us tend to distrust one another and the internal family wars go back several generations. There's been abuse of all kinds, the pitting of one against another, mistakes have been made and hurtful words and rumors spread. It's so easy to look at all of the mess and tell yourself they're fiendish, malicious and rotten.

The truth of the matter is, they're simply human.

If we were all defined only by our mistakes, most people would never venture outside their own homes. How many of us have never made a bad decision? Anyone who says they haven't is either in denial or a terrible liar. There are plenty of reasons and even more excuses for our behavior, but the fact remains the same: Nobody's perfect.

While I don't condone many of the issues our family has, I do accept that we all have imperfections. I have plenty of them, and plenty of regrets. I've not been a perfect mother - not by a long shot. But my experiences as a mother have taught me that regardless of the mistakes and bad decisions, we've all done our best to make the right ones based on our mindset at the time. Being wrong is a part of life. Horrible experiences are a part of life. And regrets, worry and mistakes are a part of motherhood.

I love my mother. I love her with all my heart. And though she is already aware of it, I will be there for her and love her and if she needs me to, I will take care of her.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Love,

Your most petulant, quarrelsome and rebellious daughter, who's been there too and understands.

view blog reactions | tags: Mom, Mother's Day

The Obligatory (& Much Belated) 100 Things

1) I was born in the year of the pig.

2) I’m an Aries.

3) I share a birthday with Hayley Mills and James Woods.

4) My name (Shanna) means:

~ Hebrew: 1. Beautiful, 2. God is gracious; variation of Shannon; lovely

~ Nickname for Shoshana (Hebrew) "lily, rose"; short form of Shannon or Anglicization of Shaina. From Hebrew Shoshana ‘the lily of the valley’ or ‘a rose’ ‘you will find happiness’.

~ Generally considered to be a modern form of the name Sean, an Irish form of John. Shaina also means 'beautiful' in Yiddish.

~ Celtic/Gaelic Ancient God (Shannan)

~ Gaelic: little wise one (Shana, Shani, Shanna, Shannah, Shannan, Shauna, Shawna, Shannon), also connected to an Irish river Shannon 'old and wise'.

~ Shanna Quay: From the Gaelic "seanachi" - which means a 'storyteller', or someone who passes down the culture, history and myths of Ireland by word of mouth - as in songs and poems. It is pronounced Shanna-key. In Ireland, the word 'quay' is also pronounced like 'key'. (Many thanks to Steve Power of Shanna Quay - an Irish Music website which is sadly now defunct - for this lovely description!)

~ Old English: Lily

~ Slow Water. God is gracious (Irish/Hebrew). A feminine form of Shane.

5) My favorite flowers are soft pastel-colored daylilies and sweetpeas, white waterlilies, dragonfly columbine hybrid and dogwood. There is a day lily named Shanna. I also love the legend of the dogwood.

6) I am an INFP, and addicted to personality typing.

7) My childhood nick-name (given to me by my uncle Devin) was Snickersnot.

8) If I'd been a boy, my name would have been Shawn. I have a brother named Shawn. He rocks.

9) I also have a brother named Eric who totally rocks, too. And a sister named Shannon, who's also pretty awesome.

10) In all, I have four sisters and three brothers.

11) I have five children.

12) All of my kids have high IQs.

13) I have three boys and two girls.

14) My father's side is Irish and French were some of the original settlers in Cajun territory, Louisiana.

15) I have a 'thing' for geeks and/or nerds.

16) I think of myself as a geekette-wannabe-in-training.

17) I'm strong-willed, independent and stubborn.

18) I think I'm also nuts.

19) I plan on a career in Physical Therapy or Nursing.

20) And I want to be a web/IT geek when I grow up.

21) I also want to be a naturopathic doctor.

22) I am an ADHD crafter.

23) I love gory horror movies.

24) I also love chick flicks.

25) I love vegetarian food,

26) But I'm not a vegetarian.

27) I love chocolate, especially Hughes.

28) And Chicory coffee

29) I love Thai food (to cook and to eat).

30) I like to make soaps and toiletries.

31) My favorite scents are lemongrass, jasmine and any citrus.

32) My favorite color is green.

33) Blue is a close second, but really it's any color in the ocean-y colors that do it for me.

34) I love mermaids and Gwragedd Annwn and mermaid designs.

35) I even have mermaid Polly Pockets (which I stole from my daughters, tee hee).

36) I love and feel an affinity with Marlene Dietrich, who was largely misunderstood.

37) As was Marilyn Monroe.

38) I love crab and salmon sushi rolls,

39) And I sometimes make vegetarian sushi rolls.

40) My favorite band is the cure.

41) I am addicted to music and pretty much love any and all kinds, especially alternative rock.

42) I sing along with the radio constantly.

43) I want to sing with a band just for fun sometime.

44) I have a lot of friends in bands and music.

45) And not just in school bands.

46) I'm a craft addict.

47) I’m obsessed with sewing machines.

48) I have six of them.

49) I also probably have more craft supplies than Hobby Lobby.

50) Which isn't true, but I wish it was...

51) I love to shop at import stores and craft supply stores.

52) I also love fabric wholesalers.

53) I am a natural blonde.

54) Most of my friends will tell you that I live up to the hair color.

55) I'm also very intelligent. (No, really I am!)

56) Or maybe I'm just full of useless knowledge.

57) I love amigurumi and want to learn.

58) I also love Japanese Kawaii crafts.

59) I've always wanted a navel ring, but never got one (yet).

60) I went to two high schools (but most people know that already).

61) What most people don't know it that while I was raised in the Midwest, I first saw a cow up close in New England.

62) I’m terrified of spiders.

63) The South has bigger and meaner spiders. And LOTS of BIG bugs. Ew.

64) I've worked in some interesting places, including a sewing shop, massage therapy supply trade shows, an RV resort and a health food store.

65) I like my current job the best.

66) I have friends all over the world.

67) I'm most infatuated with Ireland.

68) My great love was an Irishman from Donegal.

69) We're still friends, and I still love and dream about the drunken bastard.

70) I was married to a Sicilian.

71) His ancestors ran a part of the Midwestern Mafia.

72) My ex's family was really into the stories.

73) I got really sick of watching the Godfather trilogy with my in-laws.

74) They also love the Three Tenors.

75) I got sick of that, too.

76) I did, however, gain an appreciation for La Traviata and La Boheme (operas).

77) I've never been out of the country. Not even to Canada.

78) I'd love to visit rural seaside Ireland and rural France.

79) I know a little French and want to learn Gaelic.

80) I listen to music from both countries.

81) My youngest daughter counts in English, French, Spanish and Korean. She's 5.

82) My oldest tested 2nd in the state of Wisconsin in the 3rd grade.

83) His principal called him "frighteningly intelligent".

84) My second-to-youngest had his IQ tested at 140. He was 6 at the time.

85) I first entered college in Interior Design.

86) I ended up finishing in Early Childhood Education.

87) Now I plan to go back to school for Physical Therapy and Holistic Nursing.

88) I love to write.

89) I once dictated an entire (original) story for a girl in a lit class (Doc's class - in CT).

90) I spent so long at it I didn't finish my own.

91) She got an A and claimed it as her own.

92) She later told me her mother planned to send it in to a magazine. I was secretly pretty pissed about that.

93) I still plan to write a book one day.

94) My favorite author (both for his writings and his beliefs) is Kurt Vonnegut.

95) I'm also really into Amy Tan's work. She's amazing.

96) I love history and historical fiction.

97) History was one of my worst subjects in school.

98) English and literature were my best.

99) Along with Biology and Allied Health. After graduation, I wanted to become a Radiologist. I put it off for my ex-husband and children.

100) I believe, above all, it's most important to do what you love.

From The Mouths of Babes

Gracie, my 5-year-old, is about to play some Noggin games on the computer. I need to first explain that Gracie is wise beyond her tender years. She's got such a beautiful sense of the world around her.

Once, when things were pretty tough around here, she came up to me and said, "Mommy, we've tried this and it's just not working. We just need to try something else now." Trust me, at the time and considering the situation, it was as though the Dali Lama spoke through my tiny little diva.

A few minutes ago, I told Gracie that today was Happy New Year Day. There was that wide-eyed look and the sweet little intake of breath that little innocent ones have when they're in awe and she said, "Really? Today is Happy New Year Day? Do we get presents on Happy New Year Day?"

"No," I told her, "Not presents."

Her response is one I wish for all of you:

"So Happy New Year Day is when we give love and share things, right Mommy!"

Happy New Year, everyone!

Catching Up

Yesterday was a pretty good day all around. Lots going on, and lots of stress, but Pollyanna prevails!

It's recently come to light that a certain Irishman I've had a crush on for a very long time had actually been interested in me for just as long, and I do enjoy the mushiness on the phone - just wish the proxinity issues were a little easier to deal with! I'm in it deep with this one, boys and girls...

Then I was able to speak with my Dad (which is difficult because of his lack of a phone of his own), who began the conversation with "Hello, my darling daughter!" We had a great conversation and I'm hoping to visit with him (in New Mexico) in the very near future.

The kids are now in Tae Kwon Do and have lessons four times a week. It's amazing how fast even Gracie is picking up Korean. They're having a ball with it, though as soon as I can afford it, Gracie would like ballet (uh, Mommy's not made of money, lovey!).

I also heard from both of my little brothers today(on Dad's side, we're not associating with the Mom side now, remember?). I love them to death, but we get so little time to talk, with one in Alaska and the other in far Southern Indiana. I'm so proud of both of them. I just wish I was in contact with my sister (Northern California)... Bygones, ok sis? Oh well, I love you anyway.

Other than that, I was working three jobs during the summer (one was seasonal) and am now back down to one - but looking for another second job. Money's definitely tight, but life is pretty much ok. Just workin' out the kinks, so to speak.

The amount of back support owed to me is now up to over 20 thousand dollars. Criminal charges have finally been filed, so wish me luck on seeing any of that - we could certainly use it!

Anyway, I'll post more as time allows. Most of you who need to should already know where to find me 'til then!